FINANCES. HOUSEHOLD. FUTURE.

We help families in conflict, especially those separating or divorcing.

Our household mediation service is quicker and more affordable than heading to court. It decreases conflict, and your household remains in control of arrangements over children, home and financing.

We work right across England and our household mediation service has over thirty years’ experience providing specialist, expert family mediation services.

Mediation Londonderry County Borough

Co-Parenting and Joint Custody Tips for Divorced Parents

Co-parenting after a separation or divorce is hardly ever simple. These shared custody suggestions can assist provide your kids the stability, security, and close relationships with both parents that they need.

co parenting

What is co-parenting?

Unless your household has faced major concerns such as domestic violence or substance abuse, co-parenting– having both parents play an active role in their kids’s every day lives– is the very best method to guarantee that all your kids’ needs are met and allow them to retain close relationships with both moms and dads. The quality of the relationship between co-parents can likewise have a strong impact on the psychological and mental well-being of children, and the occurrence of stress and anxiety and depression. Of course, putting aside relationship issues, particularly after an acrimonious split, to co-parent agreeably is in some cases easier said than done.

Joint custody arrangements can be stressful, shocking, and laden with tension, specifically if you have a contentious relationship with your ex-partner. You might feel worried about your ex’s parenting abilities, stressed about child assistance or other monetary issues, feel worn down by conflict, or believe you’ll never ever be able to get rid of all the resentments in your relationship.

Making shared decisions, engaging with each other at drop-offs, or simply speaking to a person you ‘d rather forget all about can appear like impossible jobs. For the sake of your kids’ wellness, though, it is possible for you to overcome co-parenting difficulties and develop a cordial working relationship with your ex. With these pointers, you can remain calm, stay consistent, and resolve conflicts to make joint custody work and allow your kids to grow.

Making co-parenting work

The secret to successful co-parenting is to separate the individual relationship with your ex from the co-parenting relationship. It might be useful to begin thinking of your relationship with your ex as an entirely brand-new one– one that is totally about the wellness of your kids, and not about either of you.

[Read: Children and Divorce]
Your marriage might be over, however your household is not; acting in your kids’ benefit is your essential concern. The first step to being a mature, accountable co-parent is to constantly put your children’s needs ahead of your own.

Benefits for your children

Through your co-parenting partnership, your kids should acknowledge that they are more vital than the dispute that ended your marital relationship– and understand that your love for them will prevail in spite of altering circumstances. Kids whose separated moms and dads have a cooperative relationship:

  • Feel protected. When positive of the love of both moms and dads, kids change more quickly and quickly to divorce and brand-new living circumstances, and have much better self-confidence.
  • Gain from consistency. Co-parenting fosters comparable rules, discipline, and benefits in between families, so children know what to anticipate, and what’s anticipated of them.
  • Much better comprehend problem fixing. Kids who see their parents continuing to collaborate are more likely to find out how to effectively and quietly resolve problems themselves.
  • Have a healthy example to follow. By cooperating with the other moms and dad, you are establishing a life pattern your kids can carry into the future to build and preserve stronger relationships.
  • Are mentally and mentally much healthier. Children exposed to conflict in between co-parents are most likely to develop problems such as depression, stress and anxiety, or ADHD.

Co-parenting suggestion 1: Set hurt and anger aside

Successful co-parenting ways that your own emotions– any bitterness, anger, or hurt– must take a back seat to the requirements of your kids. Admittedly, setting aside such strong sensations may be the hardest part of discovering to work cooperatively with your ex, however it’s likewise maybe the most essential.

Co-parenting is not about your sensations, or those of your ex-spouse, but rather about your child’s happiness, stability, and future well-being.

Separating feelings from behavior


It’s alright to be hurt and angry, but your sensations do not have to determine your habits. Instead, let what’s finest for your kids– you working cooperatively with the other parent– motivate your actions.

Never vent to your child. Friends, therapists, or even a loving animal can all make excellent listeners when you require to get negative feelings off your chest.

Stay kid-focused. If you feel angry or resentful, try to bear in mind why you need to show function and grace: your child’s best interests are at stake. Looking at a photo of your kid may assist you relax down if your anger feels overwhelming.

Don’t put your children in the middle

You might never ever entirely lose all of your resentment or bitterness about your separate, but what you can do is separate those feelings and advise yourself that they are your issues, not your kid’s. Deal with to keep your issues with your ex away from your kids.

Never use kids as messengers. When you use your children to convey messages to your co-parent, it puts them in the center of your conflict. The goal is to keep your child out of your relationship issues, so call or email your ex directly.

Keep your issues to yourself. Never state negative features of your ex to your kids, or make them seem like they need to choose. Your kid has a right to a relationship with their other parent that is free of your influence.

Idea 2: Improve interaction with your co-parent

Tranquil, constant, and purposeful interaction with your ex is essential to the success of co-parenting– although it might appear absolutely difficult. Everything starts with your frame of mind. Think of interaction with your ex as having the greatest purpose: your kid’s well-being. Prior to having contact with your ex, ask yourself how your actions will impact your child, and deal with to perform yourself with self-respect. Make your child the focal point of every conversation you have with your ex-partner.

Remember that it isn’t constantly required to meet your ex face to face– speaking over the phone or exchanging e-mails or texts is great for the majority of conversations. The objective is to develop conflict-free communication, so see which type of contact works best for you.

Co-parenting interaction approaches


Nevertheless you choose to have contact, the following techniques can assist you start and preserve effective interaction:

Approach the relationship with your ex as a service collaboration where your “organization” is your children’s well-being. Speak or compose to your ex as you would an associate– with neutrality, regard, and cordiality.

Make demands. Instead of making statements, which can be misinterpreted as needs, attempt framing as much as you can as a request. Requests can start with, “Would you be willing to …?” or “Can we try …?”.

Listen. Communicating with maturity starts with listening. Even if you wind up disagreeing with the other parent, you need to a minimum of have the ability to communicate to your ex that you’ve comprehended their point of view. And listening does not signify approval, so you won’t lose anything by permitting your ex to voice his or her viewpoints.

Program restraint. Keep in mind that interacting with one another is going to be required for the length of your kids’s entire childhood– if not longer. You can train yourself to not overreact to your ex, and in time you can end up being numb to the buttons they try to press.

Commit to meeting/talking consistently. It may be exceptionally hard in the early phases, frequent communication with your ex will communicate the message to your children that you and your co-parent are a united front.

Keep discussions kid-focused. Never let a discussion with your ex-partner digress into a conversation about your needs or their needs; it must always be about your kid’s needs just.

Quickly eliminate tension in the minute. It might appear impossible to remain calm when dealing with a difficult ex-spouse who’s harmed you in the past or has a real knack for pushing your buttons. By practicing quick stress relief strategies, you can learn to remain in control when the pressure builds.

Improving the relationship with your ex.


Be sincere about your efforts if you’re really all set to rebuild trust after a break up. Remember your children’s benefits as you move forward to enhance your relationship.

  • Ask your ex’s viewpoint. This simple technique can jump-start positive interactions in between you. Take a problem that you don’t feel highly about, and request for your ex’s input, showing that you value their opinion.
  • Say sorry. When you’re sorry about something, ask forgiveness sincerely– even if the incident took place a very long time ago. Saying sorry can be an extremely powerful step in moving your relationship past that of enemies.
  • Relax. If a special outing with your ex is going to cut into your time with your kid by an hour, enthusiastically let it be. Remember that it’s all about what is finest for your child. Plus, when you show flexibility, your ex is most likely to be versatile with you.

Tip 3: Co-parent as a group.

Parenting has plenty of decisions you’ll need to make with your ex, whether you like each other or not. Interacting and working together without blow-ups or bickering makes decision-making far much easier on everybody. The details of child-rearing choices tend to fall into place if you shoot for consistency, geniality, and teamwork with your co-parent.

Aim for co-parenting consistency.


It’s healthy for children to be exposed to various viewpoints and find out to be versatile, however they also need to understand they’re living under the very same basic set of expectations at each home. Aiming for consistency in between your house and your ex’s avoids confusion for your kids.

Guidelines. Rules do not have to be precisely the exact same in between 2 households, but if you and your ex-spouse establish typically constant standards, your kids will not have to bounce back and forth between 2 drastically different disciplinary environments. Crucial lifestyle rules like research problems, curfews, and off-limit activities need to be followed in both households.

Discipline. Try to follow comparable systems of consequences for broken guidelines, even if the offense didn’t occur under your roofing system. So, if your kids have lost TV advantages while at your ex’s house, follow through with the restriction. The same can be done for gratifying etiquette.

Set up. Where you can, aim for some consistency in your kids’s schedules. Making meals, homework, and bedtimes similar can go a long way toward your child’s change to having 2 houses.

Making essential choices as co-parents.


Significant decisions require to be made by both you and your ex. Being open, honest, and simple about essential concerns is crucial to both your relationship with your ex and your children’s wellness.

Medical needs. Whether you choose to designate one moms and dad to interact mainly with healthcare specialists or attend medical appointments together, keep one another in the loop.

Education. Be sure to let the school learn about changes in your kid’s living circumstance. Talk with your ex ahead of time about class schedules, extra-curricular activities, and parent-teacher conferences, and be courteous to each other at school or sports events.

Monetary problems. The expense of maintaining two different homes can strain your efforts to be efficient co-parents. Set a sensible spending plan and keep precise records for shared costs. If your ex offers opportunities for your kids that you can not supply, be thoughtful.

Resolving co-parenting differences.


As you co-parent, you and your ex are bound to disagree over particular concerns. Keep the following in mind as you attempt to reach an agreement.

Regard can go a long way. Simple good manners must be the structure for co-parenting. Being considerate and considerate includes letting your ex know about school events, being flexible about your schedule when possible, and taking their opinion seriously.

If you disagree about something essential, you will require to continue interacting. Never ever discuss your differences of viewpoints with or in front of your child.

Don’t sweat the little things. If you disagree about crucial issues like a medical surgery or option of school for your kid, by all means, keep the discussion going. But if you want your child in bed by 7:30 and your ex states 8:00, let it go and conserve your energy for the bigger concerns.

Compromise. Yes, you will need to come around to your ex-spouse’s point of view as typically as they come around to yours. It may not always be your first choice, but compromise allows you both to “win” and makes both of you more likely to be flexible in the future.

Tip 4: Make shifts and visitation much easier.

The actual move from one home to another, whether it occurs every couple of days or simply particular weekends, can be a very tough time for children. Every reunion with one parent is likewise a separation with the other, each “hey there” likewise a “goodbye.” While shifts are inescapable, there are many things you can do to help make them much easier on your children.

When your kid leaves.


As kids prepare to leave your home for your ex’s, try to stay favorable and provide them on time.

Help children expect modification. Advise kids they’ll be leaving for the other moms and dad’s home a day or more before the go to.

Cram in advance. Depending upon their age, assistance kids pack their bags well prior to they leave so that they don’t forget anything they’ll miss out on. Encourage packing familiar tips like a special stuffed toy or picture.

Constantly drop off– never ever get the child. It’s a good concept to avoid “taking” your child from the other parent so that you don’t run the risk of interrupting or cutting a special minute. Drop off your kid at the other parent’s house instead.

When your child returns.


The start of your kid’s return to your house can be uncomfortable and even rocky. To assist your kid change:.

Keep things subtle. When children first enter your house, try to have some down time together– read a book or do some other quiet activity.

Double up. To make packing simpler and make kids feel more comfy when they are at the other moms and dad’s house, have kids keep certain essentials– toothbrush, hairbrush, pajamas– at both houses.

Allow your kid space. Children typically require a little time to change to the transition.

Develop an unique regimen. Play a game or serve the exact same unique meal each time your kid returns. When they return to you it can help the shift, kids flourish on routine– if they know precisely what to anticipate.

Handling visitation rejection.

It prevails that kids in joint custody often refuse to leave one parent to stay with the other.

  • Discover the cause. The problem may be simple to fix, like paying more attention to your child, making a change in discipline style, or having more toys or other home entertainment. Or it might be that an emotional reason is at hand, such as conflict or misunderstanding. Talk to your child about their rejection.
  • Go with the flow. Whether you have spotted the reason for the refusal or not, try to provide your child the space and time that they clearly require. It may have nothing to do with you at all. And take heart: most cases of visitation rejection are temporary.
  • Speak to your ex. A heart-to-heart with your ex about the refusal might be emotional and difficult, however can assist you find out what the problem is. Attempt to remain delicate and understanding to your ex as you discuss this sensitive topic.

Authors: Jocelyn Block, M.A. and Melinda Smith, M.A.

The goal is to keep your child out of your relationship problems, so call or email your ex directly.

Never ever state unfavorable things about your ex to your kids, or make them feel like they have to choose. Approach the relationship with your ex as a service collaboration where your “organization” is your kids’s well-being. If an unique outing with your ex is going to cut into your time with your kid by an hour, happily let it be. If you desire your kid in bed by 7:30 and your ex says 8:00, let it go and conserve your energy for the bigger issues.

CountryWide Mediation Services & Important Links

Current Weather on Londonderry County Borough

About Mediator in WikiPedia

Mediation is a structured, interactive process where an impartial third party assists disputing parties in resolving conflict through the use of specialized communication and negotiation techniques. All participants in mediation are encouraged to actively participate in the process. Mediation is a “party-centered” process in that it is focused primarily upon the needs, rights, and interests of the parties. The mediator uses a wide variety of techniques to guide the process in a constructive direction and to help the parties find their optimal solution. A mediator is facilitative in that she/he manages the interaction between parties and facilitates open communication. Mediation is also evaluative in that the mediator analyzes issues and relevant norms (“reality-testing”), while refraining from providing prescriptive advice to the parties (e.g., “You should do…”).

Mediation, as used in law, is a form of alternative dispute resolution resolving disputes between two or more parties with concrete effects. Typically, a third party, the mediator, assists the parties to negotiate a settlement. Disputants may mediate disputes in a variety of domains, such as commercial, legal, diplomatic, workplace, community, and family matters.

The term mediation broadly refers to any instance in which a third party helps others reach an agreement. More specifically, mediation has a structure, timetable, and dynamics that “ordinary” negotiation lacks. The process is private and confidential, possibly enforced by law. Participation is typically voluntary. The mediator acts as a neutral third party and facilitates rather than directs the process. Mediation is becoming a more peaceful and internationally accepted solution to end the conflict. Mediation can be used to resolve disputes of any magnitude.

The term mediation, however, due to language as well as national legal standards and regulations is not identical in content in all countries but rather has specific connotations, and there are some differences between Anglo-Saxon definitions and other countries, especially countries with a civil, statutory law tradition.

Mediators use various techniques to open, or improve, dialogue and empathy between disputants, aiming to help the parties reach an agreement. Much depends on the mediator’s skill and training. As the practice gained popularity, training programs, certifications, and licensing followed, which produced trained and professional mediators committed to the discipline.

Related Links

Our Social Media

Around The Web